THE DUDE RANCH

Stumptown Comics Fest - The Best!

2009-04-29T13:31:00.000-07:00

Last weekend I accomplished one of my life goals. It's a nerdy and ridiculous life goal but, hey, it's accomplished: I sold my work at a comics convention. Kevin, Nate, Alex Buck and I teamed up for a Snow Leopard Comics table at Stumptown Comics Fest and watched the crowds go by all weekend. It was a good time and it's funny to be in a room with several dozen artists I admire, all in the same boat of trying to hawk our art to stolid convention-goers.

The problem with Stumptown Comics Fest is that it's in the basement of the Doubletree Hotel which is, as you would suspect, drab to the extreme. Long rows of tables under florescent light become overwhelming after only a few minutes, so we tried to liven up our table space with some fabricated vegan bacon and a whole breakfast ensemble. Some guy on Flickr liked our table so much he took a photo of it.

Next year the plan is: no table at all. Just sofas. And maybe real bacon.

My favorite part of the weekend was actually when the convention ended and we emerged from the basement. After months of rain, Portland was sunny and blooming and we headed back to the Dude Ranch for a backyard bbq. We spread all our newly acquired comics and zines on the grass like Halloween candy to be shared.

The Long March

2009-03-23T17:50:00.000-07:00

I woke up Sunday afternoon to find the trampoline covered in hail and an entire keg of local Rogue beer sitting in the backyard. What had happened? Whatever strange meteorological-sociological events inexorably intersected that Sunday afternoon, it's nothing compared to what occurred Sunday night. While I went to bed early to very responsibly get a full night's sleep, the rest of the house rushed out the front door with a box of spray chalk and handful of stencils.

I awoke Monday morning to no hail, but instead this:

Urban Iditarod

2009-03-15T12:55:00.000-07:00

Nate figured out how to use text messaging last week and immediately sent all his friends one text "urban iditarod!!!" When his friends, understandably, responded with some incarnation of "WTF?" Nate replied "Saterday!"

Yesterday, this long-awaited Saterday arrived. We woke up early-ish and prepared our costumes. The Urban Iditarod is an annual event in which hundreds of people deck out shopping carts and race them in teams between Portland bars. Because Nate has a penguin costume, we went as Antarcti-cart. I was an explorer trapped in ice. Jill was a sea lion. Dan was a mad scientist. It was a really great time, until it started raining. Then it was a really wet time.

Pancake Lodge Victory

2009-03-02T20:29:00.000-08:00

So many of us at the DR participated in the making of the pancake clubhouse hole at this years minigolf event at the halocene. The hole won hole I'd most like to take home with me. But i guess one lady there thought that included dan so I can't speak to what these people were actually voting for. But hooray to the PCC and thanks to everyone who helped out.

We've had a few couch surfers come through chelsea and goldie who were on a bike trip down the west coast.

Sam who did yoga with me this morning and is likely taking kids backpacking in africa soon.

Liz who is here right now and will be attending PCC very soon and many more to come.

Dan should be returning shortly as well as adam and ayal. So we will have a full house for a few days unfortunately lacking the olsen twins AND brother joey he was so funny.

The weather has been nice as well.

No movie night this week instead we are encouraging people to go to backspace for a Sarah Mirk/mercury related brewhaha event. be there at 7pm

Next week movie night returns with 1990 and either Teenage mUtant ninja turtles or Edward scissor hands. Thoughts?

enjoy the pics. Peace, Sam

MOVIE NIGHT 1989

2009-02-23T20:25:00.000-08:00

Movie Night Wednesday 1989

SAY ANYTHING!!!!

7 pm to chill
9 pm to watch

Come enjoy welcome Jill and Nate Back THEIR BACK!!!! YAY!!!

See you then.

More fun than a barrel full of veggie oil or adventures to Mexico

2009-02-19T11:39:00.000-08:00

More fun than a barrel full of veggie oil or adventures to Mexico

So Adam and Ayal have been prepping for their trip and we expect their friend Brennan in today from Guatemala as well as Seeder who should be coming in the next few days. We have had a few couch surfers.

Sarah had some friends up from her home town and we had a couch surfer named Beth from Chicago who I took a bunch of bike rides with.

We have two girls who are biking through Oregon from Colorado who are crashing tonight and then nobody for a week or so except for Adam and Ayals friends.

In other news Nate and Jill will be back this Friday from Hawaii so we will be excited to hear about all their adventures. I'm sure they didn't want to leave the tropics for Oregon weather but we're definitely glad to have them back.

Shawns still rocking out at the house and still making sweet cardboard figures were happy to have him around.

Annie the artist in residence has also been around more and we've enjoyed her presence and checking out the work she's been making. We've cooked dinner together a couple of times and I dig collaborating with her on yummy food. Last night we were the only ones who stayed up to watch all of license to drive.

Which I actually enjoyed what I didn't enjoy was another movie I saw this week Wendy and Lucy if you really want to see it go ahead maybe you'll get something out of it I missed. Otherwise I'd at least wait for it to come on net flix.

Ok that's enough free association for now. It's been good times Bike Chariot races, cardboard heart projects, cake parties, the crazy transition team is all over the place but we're all doing well. I have included some of the barrel painting that took place the other day. Hope you enjoy.

Peace, Sam

Movie Night

2009-02-11T15:29:00.000-08:00

So Yeah Movie Night tonight we are showing mannequin and we still have a few jars of bottled beer from the party this weekend so come help us drink it.

7 to hang
8:30 to watch

in other news Shawn will be leaving us here in the next week or so.
:((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( SUPER FROWN
but he will be living in the neighborhood soon so we hope to see him often at the dude ranch. :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) SUPER SMILE

Adam and Ayal got the Luv working again the other day with some new glow plugs and some electricity from Dan's truck. They are leaving for eugene at some point tonight so they won't be here for the movie, but they'll be back in a couple of days.

They only have 3 weeks before their scheduled departure so make sure to come by and say hi to them before they go. We are all quite excited for their trip even though we will miss them when they are gone.

Sarah is back in town and has been working and getting paid SWEET!!!!
It was really interesting hearing about her trip and what she is working on right now. So if you get a chance to talk to her about it you should.

I've been working and making some new contacts in the local music scene and hopefully getting a little closer to having a regular type job here in the next month. Maybe working at a new venue thats opening up in town or perhaps as a tour manager. So good luck to myself in those endeavors.

I guess that's all for now, but thanks to everyone who came to the party this weekend. I guess it wasn't as big as parties have been in the past at the Dude Ranch but I really appreciate everyone who stopped by and esp to those who contributed to the Karmic Keg Fun. It made my first birthday in portland very memorable.

Nameste, Sam

Jolly's Night After.

2009-02-08T14:09:00.001-08:00

KARMIC KEG PARTY

2009-02-06T19:14:00.000-08:00

SATURDAY SATURDAY SATURDAY
DUDE RANCH DUDE RANCH DUDE RANCH
KARMA KARMA KARMA

KOME EXERCISE YOUR KARMA

Ground Hogs Day Karmic Keg Party at the DUDE RANCH!!!!
5200 NE 35TH AVE. EXCELLENT BIKE PARKING AVAILABLE!!!

To celebrate my (Sam's) birthday and to just have a good
time.

Don't pay for your own beer pay for someone else's.
Donations will be taken but no fixed karmic charge.
You pay for the person after you.
And pass the Karma Along. We have a trampoline there
will be fire dancing and tom foolery.

It'll be like zombie vs ninja or
ground hogs vs squirrels.

We're getting a Keg of Local Portland Brew
McMenamins Rip City Red (YUMMY!!)

SO come and enjoy People are welcome starting at 7 and
running until we finish the beer probably sometime on
SUNDAY!!!

IT WILL BE A SOUL SHATTERING EXPERIENCE

SEE YOU THERE!!!!

THIS DUCK LOVES YOUR LEG THIS WENSDAY @ DUDERANCH @ 9PM

2009-02-04T12:41:00.000-08:00

Ground Hogs Day Ground Zero

2009-02-03T00:46:00.000-08:00

So thanks to all dude ranchers and non dude ranchers that made my first birthday in Portland rock so very much. I took an awesome bike ride on the esplanade with Theo are coolest of cool couch surfers and then made some sweet vegan lasagna for dinner and vegan oatmeal goop for dessert.

Sarah came back in late last night and Theo and I actually ran into her down at Powell's today which was cool and crazy. I keep getting the vibe that Portland is so small even though it is so big. Anyway, I hope everyone can make it for movie night. Thanks to Shawn again for making the fliers. Howard the Duck should be awesome we are contemplating showing over the top or summer school next week so if anyone has any thoughts feel free.

Annie the artist in residence stopped by today and it was cool to meet her. We look forward to her being around the house from now on and we esp. look forward to her artistic and intellectual contributions. She came and hung out and it seems like she will be a nice cool edition to the scene.

Shawn will only be with us for 8 or so more days, but we all hope his house hunting goes well and hope he stays in the neighborhood. Well I guess that's all for now. Hope everyone had a good ghog day. I didn't see my shadow so spring is coming.

OH and last but not least we are throwing a party this weekend for my said birthday today. I think perhaps a karmic keg/ground hogs day party but I'm not sure details coming soon. Until then.

PEACE, SAM

PS Below is a map of my bike ride today.

View Larger Map

TALES FROM THE DUDE RANCH

2009-01-29T13:34:00.001-08:00

Well we had a nice and fun movie night last night. For all of those who missed out Legend was gloriously bad Tom Cruise as some sort of Tarzanesque character and Mia Sara who was Sloane Ferris Bueller's girlfriend in FB Days Off as a Princess. Fun was had by all and after we watched two seasons of the Sing Along Blog featuring Patrick Harris of Doogie Howser Fame. (Thanks to Shawn for that HILARIOUSNESS!!)

We have had quite a few couch surfers come through the house over the past couple of weeks and here is the break down.

1. Anthony - 19 yo just out of the Marines on his way to Washington then California and eventually Europe. He was new to couch surfing and we hope we showed him how much fun it could be.

2 & 3. Drea and Martel - Drea is a Yoga Instructor / Massage Therapist and Martel is a music community organizer of sorts. They stayed for a couple of days and returned last night to stay a couple more. They are moving into a place near Belmont in the SE and we are happy to welcome them to Portland. THANKS FOR THE AWESOME TEA LOVE!!!!!

4. Leslie - a nice lady from NYC who is searching for a new place to relocate to. She changed our perspective on the appropriate age to join the circus. She was only here one night but we really enjoyed having her.

5 & 6. Aaron and Joel: Aaron does work with developmentally disabled adults and is up here from California looking for work and a place for his wife and young baby to stay. He is still at the house now and is lots of fun to talk to. We hope he gets the job and place he wants. Joel just moved out here from Chapel Hill and came over for movie night and stayed instead of heading back to Vancouver where he is living now. He rode his motorbike accross the country and wants to get into metal working here in portland. Thanks for the music tips!!

That's all we've had thus far but I'm sure there will be more to come. I'm glad we can continue the dude ranches streak of couch surfers and I hope everyone who's stayed with us has enjoyed it.

The house is super clean thanks to Shawn and Pete who was over last night said he has never seen the Dude Ranch so spic and span. We've been playing lots of Settlers and a few games of Magic.

Adam has been working on his truck and Ayal has been working on music. They have both been in planning mode for their mexico trip. I've been working at my job and shopping around for a bicycle. I also just passed my level 1 Ski instructor exam last weekend at Mt. Hood. Shawn has been looking for work and a place in the neighborhood to live and he bought a new bike just the other day (I'm super jealous of the awesome brown paint job). Good luck to all the transition team members on their endeavors.

The artist in residence for Feb hasn't shown up yet and we are looking forward to meeting her. Other then that things have been going along quite well. We may be having a party at the Dude Ranch this Saturday or the next but more info on that to come.

We hope the old school ranchers are having safe travels and we look forward to welcoming Sarah back shortly from her trip to the UK. If you haven't checked out her blog you should it's been very interesting to read. I think the link in on a previous post of this blog.

That's all for now from the Dude Ranch transition team. Hope all is well in your world.

I'll leave you with a haiku and thanks for reading.

every single day
building a life on high stilts
tied to balls of twine

Nameste,
Sam

THOM CRUZ RIDES A UNICORN TO FIGHT THE DEVIL ON WENSDAY NIGHT @ DUDERANCH @ 9PM

2009-01-27T15:19:00.000-08:00

GET PSYCHED we <3 U

hacktest.com

2009-01-23T11:10:00.000-08:00

So Adam and Cedar spent a good portion of last night geeking out hardcore on hacktest.com. They spent several hours playing it's unique brand of treasure hunting. Shawn had coffee after missing his planned attending of a volunteer meeting for the Portland film festival. We made lentil soup after discovering we had a large overstock of lentils at the house. While Adam and Cedar were geeking out I went in my room and lit some incense I got in India. This is the result hope you enjoy.

haunting India

I'm not sure what it is, but my mind is calling me back to India.

There were so many things that were so difficult there and maybe time gilds all memories with false gold, but I miss it. There was something so vital about being there. It makes me understand the thrill that pioneers must have felt.

Even as I sit here, smelling the incense I brought back, the ghosts are here. Rickshaws, mad filled buses, bustling train station, and whiskey on Diwali all dance through my head, like those sugar plums in that Christmas story.

I have so many stories from that place a dozen I've told and so many more that I haven't. It is so much more then all those stories. It is so much more than I can even grasp at remembering. Even the slivers of moments that I have captured in this odd little basket in my head are so sublime.

India is madness incredible beautiful madness. It is the kind of madness that the western world has striven to hide beneath the layers and layers of paints and civic order. It is the madness at the root of all humanity and being there reveals it. It reveals it in you and in everything you know. This is the vitality that has driven humanity so far.

The Persian ruler Xerxes believed that an empire must expand or die. I was thinking about this related to the American empire and I was struck with the realization of why so many things seem really futile here. We are already such a large part of the world any gain by any of us is dwarfed by the massiveness of our social influence. We are like a huge worm and any growth is so tiny compared to the rest of the bulk.

India is growing like a vacant lot left to overgrow in the urban summer sun. It is a vibrant patch of jungle writhing through concrete and steel tearing apart the ancient foundations of the modern order. Everything grows out of everything else. Even the chaotic lives of the slums seem to bear some fruit. There are so many people living a way that most of us have forgotten. The pride and cruelty of working long hard days just to sleep on the street and to send a little money back to your family.

This is what is most difficult and most beautiful to see in India. This life all around so much you can't escape it and you start to understand all the glitz and glam in our society. The neon lights and banner ads and twittering are all these empty little shadows reflected on a cave wall. An allegory of false truths is what takes up so much of our time. After being there even for a month I find myself seeing things here as hollow. Convenient simple non confrontational existence. It seems turned down and tuned out compared to the reality, overwhelming as it was, you felt when you were there.

I truly miss INCREDIBLE INDIA. I'm not planning on going back anytime very soon, but I do want to go back. It's eastern beauty calls to you like a siren. The madness is like an infection it gets under your skin and you need it in your life. It's that old crazy girlfriend you had such a great time with. You know in some ways she's bad for you, but you always sort of want to see her again anyway. The US is my faithful girl, the girl I go steady with, the girl in beach boys songs. She will always be there calm and quiet. She may not always be what I want but she will always feel like home.

Every so often I just feel the need for life in my life. Every time my thoughts bring me back. The sounds, the staring, the struggle and the truth of India are there with me again. Someday, I'll go back and if you can you should go back for me and tell her I miss her.

A New Ranch Order

2009-01-21T19:22:00.001-08:00

So hello from the 'Transition Team' ranchers!!!

Our rag tag band of miscreants will no doubt fail to fulfill your every ranch desire, but we will try. The Temp Ranchers include but are not limited to: Shawn just in from teaching in China. Adam (Nates brother ... not that he doesn't have an identity outside of that) and Ayal who are both planning a veggie oil powered trip to Mexico later this year. Lastly is little ol' me.

My name is Sam and I'm currently occupying Cole's room while he is away. Here's my story and I'm sticking to it. I'm from Nashville where I was working the last five years in the music biz. The last three I spent on tour as a guitar tech and stage manager for the Gin Blossoms and as a merch guy for Phil Vassar. I hiked 182 miles this summer in a dozen or so national parks and spent a month traveling in India. I'm in Portland working on the weekends at Mt Hood (Tline) as ski instructor and I do online marketing for a record label during the week. I know how to do fire poi and enjoy long walks down the beach with an issue of the Economist or Talk of the Nation Podcast.

Anyway I just wanted to introduce myself and the other members of the 'Transition Team' here at the Dude Ranch. We will be having a winter movie night (Wednesdays) though a consensus on the movies will never be reached in advance.

Thanks all and the faces may be new but we'll do our best to keep the good vibes going.

Nameste, Sam

What I've Done in the Last Week

2009-01-21T02:24:00.000-08:00

- Squeezed into the back of a minivan with two former Guantanamo Bay detainees
- Marched in a protest of thousands of people shouting "Allah Al Akbar!"
- Played ukelele on a frozen beach
- Raced around in the car of an Islamic graffiti artist
- Watched 70 Muslim women pray behind thick curtains in a mosque

- Not ridden a bicycle or been to New Seasons ONCE

check out my whole crazy January: www.GuantanamoVoices.org

when we all get back home, we are definitely all putting together the world's most awesome Powerpoint presentation about our winter vacations.

2009-01-16T12:09:00.000-08:00

Estranged Ranchers...
those of us remaining miss you, and the new ranchers will learn to do so as well.
life back at the ranch has been humble.
aside from the usual things like drug trafficking and housing terrorists,
life has moved at the pace of January.
in the lull, i (nate) decided to apply for a Norwegeian Reality Television show.
wtf? EXACTLEY!
here is my "no longer than 5 minutes Video Application"
its awkward at times but hell, so am i.
Sarah is in Brittan.... Great Brittan.... England... anyway, she is putting brittish December to good use.
Cole just called from D.C... Washington DC!
Dan has to be in Chile by now (not putting Brittish December to good use, but then again he was never that into it anyway.).
pete moved out yesterday but he is still here.
Looks like the Chatty-Roundy-Rounds haven't stopped anyone from doing what they want to do.
the new roomates are cleaner than we were.
thats important to somebody.
somewhere.
In 4 days jill and i leave for Hawaii (pronouced.... nevermind...
and the house will have completed its chrysalis and emerge as....
we shall all see.
word from the hightest peaks and the widest oceans
holla' from the deepest holes and the tallest sky scrappers
I'm throwing my right-hand up for a sweet international "dude-five" right now
i hope you'll all do the same.
portland is a little more lonely without yall.

DUDE RANCH!

Charlie Beyer-

2008-12-15T01:28:00.000-08:00

An ubiquitous NE Portland street, 35^th, not 35^th place which looks exactly the same. Modest strings of Christmas lights adorn each house, installed in accordance with seasonal conformity. A young couple grudgingly enters a house to their mid management boss’s boring slide show while looking wistfully at the Dude Ranch across the street. There, also with a miserable string of lights, but accompanied by the thumping of 20 decibel base, whirling light show effects, and the street penetrating laughter of the joyous inside. The cake walkers.

Cake walkers must dance and leap between squares on the floor, anticipating the halt of music that will determine their culinary destiny. Suddenly, the pulsating rhythm stops, the condensed masses freeze in contorted mid dance, blinking myopically at the descriptive sticker at their feet. Zardot’s Bride; lier; Bush’s bathroom; Derrato; and other unintelligible phrases greet their eye. The illuminated Liz barks to loudly in the microphone… “Who is standing on “The meaning of dialectic materialism is the re-distribution of wealth to the proletariat” ?? . “Hey .. That’s me” Happily rings out Nate. “A winner” she cries “ You are the choosing recipient of the one ton spice cake, the SeeSee Man Mistake cake, or the pedestrian candy bar. Yea!!”

Nate.. scratching as always when in thought, magnanimously chooses the candy bar, allowing the packed assembled the opportunity win the greater masterpieces. With a yell heard across the street in yawning sandstone arch slides, the thump, thump, thump resumes in a frenzied electron cloud of flailing arms legs and leaping torsos. The twisting turning lights mingle in the masses as though all are trapped in a kaleidoscope. Now some wags begin hopping from square to square, the rest joining the vertical dimension, a booming bounce that turns the whole house into a drum. I think, as the resident structural engineer, that the trampoline resonance will soon exceed the breaking strength of the floor and we will all soon be in a pile of 9-11 rubble in Dan’s basement room. I leap my highest to assist this eventuality. The music stops. Falling from the sky, I am on two squares. Does this mean I have two cake chances?

“Who is on “Red and black bullshit”? “It is I. It is I!” cries a gentle voice in the assembled. She chooses the 25 seed all organic zucchini dough-gob Baggett. Enough with the lard-sugar layout. Many are secretly jealous of this choice and sneak off to the kitchen to beg her for a corner of leathery crust. The pummeling music resumes, now to geographically auction off the miscellaneous baking’s, the rutabaga rolls and dropped cupcakes.

The ritual “cake walk” eventually concludes with frosting fingers. Now it’s on to karaoke’. Books of 10 thousand songs has been circulating beneath concentrating brows seeking their tune. A dude all in red, professionally belts out a kick ass hip hop song and the dance floor fills without the carrot of carrot cake. Dan becomes a Bing Crosby. It’s “White Christmas” due to a mix up of disks, but being a sport he says “Fuck it, fuckit, just play it, I’ll sing it”. A noble croon it was, melting our hearts in Christmas commercialism. Kori sings a love song, embarrassing everyone’s mirror neurons. The lovelies Sarah, Jill and Liz, trio twenty chick-songs with two microphones, pulling the unsuspecting into mid-floor dance.

A gust of cold air washes across the floor and a dozen unknown dark people slip along the walls. Like lost shadows they work themselves into the kitchen corners and eddies of activity. Knee length black jackets, hoods and watch caps, Rasputin beards, I fear uninvited bangers have invaded. I steel myself to confrontation intervention. But wrong I am. These are wandering Karaoke junkies, alerted by some iphone pheromone, congeal conspiratorially at this address of the Dude Ranch. Without warning, the microphones are scooped up and the howling of country rock songs are belted into the air, Black jack boots thromping the floor. Long after the cake table has disintegrated into a mass of crumbs and cupcake wrappers, there is a dueling dynamic between the bombastic black robe blasters and the twirling trio of multicolored women. “Like a Virgin” sung in the key of angels, followed by the “Wabash Cannonball” in clod hopper baroque.

Out the back door is a congregation of smokers. The icy winter winds tear at the puffs of smoke and the collars of the trench coats. Cigarette butts pile up in a stair corner, a change from the flicking days of past. Smokers are squeezed into a mere third of the area, the rest an orgy of bicycles all mashed together in a mating melee. I think to see little unicycles and tricycles, the progeny of this proliferation, careening about under the refined Shimano gears, misbehaving as children do.

As the alcohol diminishes, more masses are pressed into the walls in their torpor, bludgeoned by the blasting kamikaze karaoke machine. The young couple emerges from the bosses house across the street, sober, still employed by their obsequiousness’, still wistfully longing to be part of the looser crowd in the whirling lights. They climb into their politically correct Subaru station wagon, heading for another ubiquitous string of lights on a matching street across town. Inside the dude ranch, the trio triumphant, Howling “Girls just Wanna Have Fun” to the collapsed masses.

I sure as hell had fun. Thanks Dude Ranch.

Dreams Up In Smoke

2008-12-10T21:46:00.000-08:00

Dan's dad is here. Which is strange because we talk about him all the time and he's become something of a mystical, fictional figure here. Dan's dad, who lives in a tiny house in Idaho that doesn't have a bathroom, just a hole he dug on the side of the hill. Dan's dad, who builds hovercrafts. Dan's dad, whom Dan visited in October and returned with a 3-foot tall, 20-sided isohedron, crafted from a raw aluminum sheet in the high desert.

And suddenly, here he is in the living room, drinking whiskey of course and debating who would win in a bar brawl: smokers or nonsmokers?

Dan's dad is named Charlie and he's more personable than the stories made him out to be. He may know the finer points of building a pipe bomb, but he's affable, too, and talks about wild things in a low voice. Attempting to explain how Dan has a "double cousin" ends, somehow, with, "My sister went fuckin' beserk! She yelled at him, 'We're gettin' married tomorrow and you've got the clap!'" Sometimes the entire premise behind a story doesn't make sense to my rigid, rational world. Like the time a moose ran him off his sapphire mine claim.

Sapphires come up later, too, after Charlie rolls a cigarette and they start debating whether it's better to mine for gold or crystals. Dan shakes his head and argues that either are preferable to sapphires.
"I have this bad association with sapphires and nose bleeds. I got a really bad nose bleed in this swamp one time looking for sapphires and I got covered in flies, flies up my nose, flies in my lungs. The first thing you said was, 'Don't get blood on the company truck!'"
Charlie laughs, this is true. Dan was 11 at the time. "And I was like, eat all this bacon and drink all this beer. He stopped thinking about all the blood, I can tell you that much," says Charlie.

I'll tell you one thing, we are all jealous of Charlie for our own personal reasons. Jill has always dreamed of riding a hovercraft. Nate admires his entire life ethic, his crystal mine, his insane skills. Me, I regret the time I've wasted listening to "No Scrubs" on repeat while eating soup at New Seasons rather than casting my own manta ray belt buckle out of brass.

"That is so hip," says Dan, when I gush about the ray, "You are wearing the zeitgeist." His dad invites him out to Idaho for Christmas, they could build a furnace in the shed out of a 55-gallon tank and some propane, they scheme, and cast all kinds of sea creatures. When he first got here, Dan's dad pulled a box of Jim Beam out of his bag and offered whiskey all around. Then he pulled out his knife and carved little apartment windows into the box and set it in the fireplace. Nate, Jill and I stared in horror as the building went up in flames. Not one month ago, Dan built his own little city of apartment complexes in the fireplace and watched it burn. We don't become our parents. We already are them. The horror, the horror.

Whoa-mygod! Such a Great Opening!

2008-12-07T20:32:00.000-08:00

Did you skip Friday's art opening of The Dude Ranch's Tap Dance Strip Touch On Yer Grave at the Pancake Clubhouse? Well then get ready to get jealous.

During the evening's main event, the Makeshift Memorial Sculpt-Off, everyone was assigned to teams and each team was assigned a historic tragedy. They then had 25 minutes to sculpt a memorial to that tragedy using the available resources (which were mostly hot glue, a piano, construction paper, 7 cases of PBR). The results were super impressive!

THIRD PLACE WINNER: Steve "Crocodile Hunter" Irwin.

SECOND PLACE WINNER: Titanic.

FIRST PLACE WINNER: team "demotion of Pluto" staged a performance in full NASA regalia. (no photos available - you shoulda been there!)

Art Show on Friday! (plus a party)

2008-12-03T20:00:00.000-08:00

Do you like this felt horse and wagon made by Jill? More of her art (plus art by Nate, Dan and myself!) will be on display all December long at the Pancake Clubhouse in an art show titled "Tap Dance Strip Touch On Yer Grave." Since the opening night of the show is First Friday, we're having a big opening night party! Hilariously, the opening is sponsored by PBR! Here's the stats:

FRIDAY DEC 5TH
7-10 PM
PANCAKE CLUBHOUSE
906 NE 24TH AVE
Featuring:
- eating cupcakes and drinking beer.
- reading the comic books in the "reading room."
and
- the main event!!! Makeshift Memorial Sculpt-Off! Everyone is assigned a team and each team is assigned a tragic event and each team sculpts a memorial for the tragic event using the available resources (hot glue guns, candles, cardboard etc etc). Then the best memorials win prizes and then there's a short, fun dance music show!
- (did we mention the cupcakes and beer drinking)

+ + guitar music by Cole Robinson and a fiddle-player named Kate

Weirdos.

2008-12-03T19:49:00.001-08:00

Nate's brother Adam has been sleeping on our sofa again and he's attracting all kinds of weirdos. Tonight a thickly-bearded guy named Will showed up in our kitchen, slammed down a foot-long box of Magic cards and launched into a high-speed conversation about veggie oil-diesel conversion.

They moved into the living room and Jill and I don't know what to do but sit on the sofa and eavesdrop and giggle.

"If they put algae farms all over Mexico it would supply the entire U.S.!" Will shouts, taking a breath and continuing, "You guys know about that guy who thinks funguses are the answer? Like Timothy Leary with LSD but not LSD - all funguses!"

Jill shakes her head. Then she checks the pedometer she recently attached to her waist.
6,742 steps. "Damn it!" she shouts at Nate, whose own waist pedometer reads 7,306 steps, "You're like a thousand steps ahead of me!" Those two are in a competition to see who walks more in a day.

posted by s.mirk

thanks!

2008-11-27T20:55:00.000-08:00

We played Pictionary all day on Thanksgiving. Except for that hour when we switched it up and played Scrabble AND Pictionary at the SAME TIME. We also took a break to eat some food.

November

2008-11-24T23:44:00.001-08:00

I've only just noticed that November is here and apparently it is already almost over. This is the problem with moving between milestones (Halloween! Election! Thanksgiving!) - I forget which month we're actually in while I'm measuring the days via countdown.

Anyway, November is here and it is cold. Did I tell you we weatherized the house during one of the last hot days of 2008, way back when the sun set at dinner time rather than after lunch? We cut out big sheets of plastic and, all together now, adhered them to our large windows so that now the interior of our kitchen nook resembles a shoddily-made space shuttle.

But it's warmer, sitting here, than it was last year ago this time. The campaign to keep us all from retreating into our rooms during winter - casting aside friendship for a long-term relationship with our respective space heaters - that campaign is going well. We've been talking and cooking. There's lots to talk about and lots to cook because Nate and Jill don't eat sugar anymore and most of us don't have jobs.

Everyone is in transition. Rather than being a month of tradition, November has turned into a month of flux. Here's the status report, as of 11:52PM. I'm sure it will be different by morning.

Cole: During November, Cole quit his job and willfully dropped out of music grad school, searching for something more relevant and proactive.
Dan: During November, Dan quit his job half way, then rethought in the face of the epic financial crisis and quit his job the whole way. He's now working on a new internet-based "consulting" venture but I don't understand what it is because part of his "marketing strategy" is being cryptic.
Me: I'm still not making any money. Hopefully this will soon transition into me making lots of money.
Jill: Jill turned 28 and has been making lots of cool art. She's seriously thinking about going to grad school, maybe to teach visually impaired people braille.
Nate: THIS IS BIG, GUYS! NATE'S HAD SUCH A HUGE TRANSITION! It's probably such a big deal that he'll want to post about it himself. Forget I said anything.

posted by s.mirk

Do or Diorama!!!!!

2008-10-28T18:10:00.000-07:00

I'd like to cordially invite you to my home for a celebration of miniature 3-D worlds and also to celebrate my 28th birthday on FRI. NOV. 7th!! 8 P.M.

Please make a diorama and bring it!!

The suggested theme for the diorama's is NATURAL DISASTERS!

Volcanoes!
Tsunamis!
Hurricanes!
Heartbreaks!
Floods!

This theme is not required but it WOULD be pretty fucking cool.

As you may already know,
the life sized dude ranch diorama home is at:
5200 NE 35th Ave
Portland, OR 97211

Bring a diorama, a friend, some wine and whatever magical things you would like me to have for being 28. (those possibilities are endless!!!) oh and your dancing shoes.

FRI. NOV.
7th 8 pm
Do or Diorama

Menage-a-trois

2008-10-11T14:20:00.000-07:00

Cole Robinson, Dan Bayer, and Peter Kass are all becoming one year older this week. In celebration, we're having a three way birthday party on Monday, the 13th at 7pm.

The theme is Menage-a-trois meaning we're doing everything in threes that night. Bring two dates and dress as triplets.

We'll also be having a treasure hunt in teams of three, a 3 lap bike race, and a 3
legged race. If you come alone, no problem. Hook up with others coming stag.

We'll start with a potluck at 7pm.

How David Wins

2008-09-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

Remember that time during the summer when David was moping around feeling unproductive and Dan challenged him to complete a do-or-die art project: design 50 posters and put them up around Alberta before the end of the week or Dan would handcuff him to a bike rack downtown with a sign reading "Justice to Bike Thieves"?

David accomplished the task in a hilariously characteristic way. Half of the posters were white sheets of paper stapled to light poles with 50 staples in straight rows. No drawn images, no text, just staples on white paper. Thanks, David.

Then David flew back to Chicago and in his absence the posters have changed in a way no one saw coming. The staples have rusted in the Portland rain and now long brown streaks emanate from each mark. They look beautiful and old and draw attention to the deep brown of the light poles.

The sign on 33rd and Alberta attracted a tagger:

We noticed how the posters had changed while walking to New Seasons one afternoon. "Damn it," said Dan, admiring the rust, "David wins again!"

I Made a Comic

2008-09-28T20:49:00.000-07:00

with my friend Arthur and I'm putting it up here for you.

click to see it big.

love,
s.mirk

And More Beautiful People

2008-09-26T12:00:00.000-07:00

I woke up Sunday morning to the cherubic-notes of classical harp music tinkling in my bedroom door. I stumbled into the living room to find Emily, a former circus performer turned harpist, perched on the edge of our sofa plucking away at a full size harp. Later she filled our kitchen with buckets of flowers and baked cookies.

Sleeping one sofa over, meanwhile, is Meredith - my great friend from school and Nate's newest miracle healer. She's taken to walking around the neighborhood finding edible plants. Sunday night she returned home after a sunset stroll to the Kennedy School with this ridiculous fall bounty: a dozen apples and an absurdly-shaped squash.

Hooray for couchsurfers paying rent in kindness!

posted by s.mirk

NO MOVIE NIGHT THIS WEEK!

2008-09-22T21:15:00.000-07:00

INSTEAD!!!!!!!!!!!! COME to SPEED SUIT'S FIRST EVER PERFORMANCE!
Dan and I have put our lives into it so fucking show up at least....
it's gonna be the dance party that makes everyone sweaty and better friends then they were before the show started.
sarah's gonna be there.
cole is gonna be there.
welcome back jill, she's gonna be there.

better words than scrabulous and safety instructions combined.
it all happens at lindsey's house!

22nd and Alberta.
4826 NE 22nd ave.
to be exact.
the house where shit is happening.
maybe 10:00
i hope. not sure yet.
but call me and ill tell you.
541-633-5712...

When Laundry is a Newsworthy Event

2008-09-22T15:20:00.000-07:00

Here's a quick fact about Nate:

Despite living at our house for 3 months, he had only gone to the laundromat once. UNTIL YESTERDAY! Yes, Sunday was the essential but rare event: laundry day! Everyone hates laundry day! The machines at Alberta Wash House cost $1.75 and scrounging up 7 quarters would be a pain even if the machines didn't occassionally lash out in random acts of disrespect, leaving your clothes soggy or covered with new mysterious stains.

But anyway, laundry day! We piled up Dan's bike trailer with our small mountain of dirty clothes. Please note our hilarious last-clean-item laundry day outfits. Dan dressed in Halloween garb, Nate wore that blue sweater and I'm all fancy in a black dress.

collective laundry costs for month of September: $10.25

Gettin' Creamed

2008-09-11T17:11:00.000-07:00

This week we all learned some important lessons.

Number one important lesson: Cream cheese makes anything taste better! Even chocolate chip cookies!

Our refrigerator is now occupied by exclusively cream cheese, someone’s forgotten case of PBR and – honest to god – 15 pounds of carrots. Cole and Nate juice carrots like nutritional fiends, they tear through a 5-pound bag in a day or two. The juicer runs nightly and everywhere around the house are glass jars lined with the unmistakable orange crust of once-wonderful liquid carrot.

Also, look what happens when you try to take Nate to a “high art” event at the TBA Festival! All he wants to look at are the penis clouds! :

And listen to what happens when I take myself to an art event and then decide to interview everyone present: I get so excited by asking questions that I forget to breathe between words.

A Trip to the Fair

2008-09-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

Sometimes working as a reporter means I get paid to do things I don't want to do. Like distribute condoms at the state fair.

Our new friend Arthur and I drove down to Salem Sunday evening to do just this. The fair's slogan is "Too big to miss!" so I didn't print off directions. This slogan proved to be sadly misleading. On the outskirts of the wrong side of Salem, we finally stopped at a 24 hours donut store to ask where to go. The kid working the counter made some vague gestures toward the appropriate street and then told us, placing two rainbow-sprinkle donut holes in a bag, "Everyone's saying there was a fight at the fair yesterday."

My expectations increased dramatically.

The state fair turned out to be full of surprises. Number one surprise: sunset makes the gaudy flashes of the food booths beautiful.

Only at the state fair can you watch a video of a horse giving birth in such convenient proximity to Oregon's largest potato.

We held yellow, nearly weightless baby chicks in pen morbidly sponsored by the Oregon Chicken Fryers Association. We met a beekeeper and watched the queen bee lay an egg.
We took a long time surveying the winners of the decorated cakes category while making up our minds on which one to cast our own votes for.

(can you guess which one of these was my choice?)

Oregon: famous for its edible beavers.

posted by s.mirk

David's Exit Video

2008-08-27T23:40:00.000-07:00

Well, today I left Portland and the beloved Dude Ranch, but not before making my awesome exit video for the Portland Mercury's My Pretty Portland 2-minute video competition! I'm also sort of considering it a goodbye-to-Portland video since my classes at the School of the Art Institute of Chicago start tomorrow and I will most likely be here in the midwest at least until winter break. Which will be awesome! I've only been here a few hours so far but Chicago is much as I remember: a cat that juggles shoes, tent set up in the living room, etc.

So-long Dude Ranch friends, enjoy the movie.

D. Cook

Cake and Parents

2008-08-25T10:35:00.000-07:00

Oh man, what a weekend. Let me tell you about it.

Cole went camping. He was gone all weekend.
Dan ate all my cereal while watching Beastmaster by himself on the sofa, then went camping. He was gone all weekend.
Nate wished the sun would stop shining, then went in the basement and made music on the computer all weekend.

Thus David and I were forced to have a good time all by ourselves! It was pretty tough but we totally did it. Mostly, we went to the zine symposium downtown, where we met some great people (like this girl who does comics like mine but better and in San Francisco!) and drank some coffee.

Then David's parents came to visit! They all made hats together at Tuey's monthly cake party. Apparently David's parents secretly know how to make hats really well, because his dad turned a strip of blue construction paper into a wearable Frank Gehry building and his mom made an Easter bonnet so pretty that someone else picked it up and wore it home.

This is Tuey cutting the cake, which turned 5 this month. David celebrated the year's fifth cake party by forming himself into a five on the grass of Lair Hill Park.

posted by s.mirk

House Half Empty

2008-08-21T10:31:00.000-07:00

For the first time I can remember, no one is sleeping in our backyard. No one is sleeping on our living room sofas. The trampoline is vacant. It's Thursday morning and absolutely no one is crashing at our house.

While steaming chard for breakfast, Cole and I counted up the number of people who have stayed at our house this summer.

29 people have crashed here for one night or more (not including romantic liaisons, we're talking sofa people), including Nate and Jill who were eventually brought into the rent-paying fold and David who washed our dishes all summer in compensation for his basement room.

Sometimes people ask me how many people I live with and I don't know what to tell them. Now, though, I can confidently say that in a battle of couch surfers versus housemates we would be outnumbered one to seven.

But right now, no one is here but us housemates. Does that mean summer is over or something? Do travelers scatter as soon as the rain comes?

posted by s.mirk

Birthday!

2008-08-18T10:49:00.000-07:00

Man, it's almost my birthday. That means I'm almost 22 and I haven't done anything yet but graduate from college and make some good friends and write some stuff. I remember watching the Olympics when I was 13 -- the same age as most of the tiny sequined gymnasts -- and thinking, "Wow! I could have done THAT by now?!"

I still haven't done THAT but, you know, I've been having a good time. So let's continue this 22 year-long unproductive streak and waste another night together, okay?

Wednesday Night 08.20.2008
8PM

Party starts at the Dude Ranch, then goes and goes. These images are clues as to what we'll be doing:

Bring your bike.

posted by s.mirk

DUDE RANCH Summer Movie Night: Week Six : Pre-Film Creative

2008-08-12T22:07:00.000-07:00

A Digital Potluck is an event where everyone arrives with a digital recording device and participates in a record keeping activity. This week the record keeping activity will be the creation of 3D animations of flying objects. Please bring your digital camera and find out how this is accomplished.

Nate's True Poem about the suburbs

2008-08-12T12:35:00.000-07:00

When Driving on Highway 26,
Exit 69 is for Beaverton!
What are the Odds!

Movie Night: Wild Zero

2008-08-10T21:23:00.000-07:00

It's Nate's turn to choose a film to show this Wednesday night. He's having some trouble settling on a film, but our discussion over his top choice went like this:

Nate: I think Wild Zero. Kevin and I laughed our asses off during that movie.
Sarah: Okaaaayy.
Nate: But I don't know, you think that's too many zombie films in a row?
Adam: What other zombie film did you show?
Nate: They Live.
Adam: That's not zombies.
Nate: Well, cyborgs.
Adam: Alien cyborgs.
Nate: You're right.

Thanks to such logic, this week's film is "Wild Zero." But Nate wants you to let him know if you have any ideas.

A Gay Daisy Chain of Events

2008-08-10T20:45:00.000-07:00

"I have heartburn and my mind is a puddle."
- Dan

It's been a long and crazy week, mostly because our house got turned upside down on Wednesday night during David's birthday sculpture contest. Everyone who showed up was assigned a room and they had to make a sculpture out of the items in the room. Our backyard became a cult scene with an upturned giant trampoline and a tunnel lined with strobing bike lights. All of the food in our cabinets and fridge became two humanoid forms with watermelons for heads.

Dan has photos, but he can't post them now because his mind is a puddle.

Also during the week, we stumbled across several troves of free items on the street. These treasure stashes included:

- a ballin' leather jacket inscribed with dollar billz
- a purple mesh lace thong
- a pair of antique boxing gloves
- two dozen vintage Playboys

which all add up to mean the Dude Ranch got 170% more dude.

We spent all Sunday evening winding down in the kitchen, paging through Playboys on the sofas. Old Playboys are just collections of bizarre juxtapositions - serious political commentary folds into anti-feminist cartoons. Naked breasts turn over to be an intelligent diatribe against the American prison system. There's also a smattering of jokes and limericks that make no sense out of their 1970s context. Case in point, from the October 1973 issue:

"Our Unabashed Dictionary defines 'gay daisy chain' as 'swish kabob.'"

Robot Golden Globe Nomination is truelly Golden!

2008-08-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

Wednesday evening at the Dude Ranch was a dazzle night of wonder. Among the many firecracker and stolen watermelon (and beer) antics, a very special 64 seconds was enjoyed by all. The debut of Nate and Jill's stop motion animation movie:

The video was played multiple times to an ever excited crowd hollering for 'more'. Dan even said his co-workers were humming the song from the movie the next day and peeing all over their cubicles. That made us both feel pretty awesome and super special. Enjoy!

Dude Ranch Movie Night is not what it seems...

2008-08-03T21:22:00.000-07:00

As mysterious as that sounds, its not really a mystery. Its just a party. Well not JUST a party. Its David's Birthday party! I don't know how old he is going to be but its probably the most important age. so... if you show up at 8:00 we will be having a statue erecting ceremony. no, its a sculpture installation project. If its not a fucking riot, it won't be that awkward because the movie starts at 9:00.
"THEY LIVE"

it has rowdy roddy piper (a real ass kicking kinda man).
when its all over/ during the movie, = Dance PARTY!
see you here on WEDNESDAY!

A Variety of Delightful Tunes, all First Class

2008-08-03T13:34:00.000-07:00

Last night as the sun set, we seasoned a batch of savory popcorn and all rode bikes in a single file line to Unthank Park where Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory was projected outside for free. Have you seen this movie recently? Here's a refresher:

When I was younger and watched this movie, I just rolled with the craziness, since kids aren't wed to rationality anyway. But seeing it as a full-fledged adult now I realized it's a period piece capturing the 1970s psychedelic scene. Charlie's grandparents all share one filthy bed while his mother stirs laundry soup, a bad trip down the chocolate river is overlayed with the image of a chicken being decaptiated, Willy Wonka replies to Veruca Salt's exclamation, "There's no such thing as snozzberries!" with the unforgettable line, "We are the music makers! We are the dreamers of dreams!" Willy Wonka will definitely be shown in history classes to help children born in 2020 understand their great-grandparent's culture.

The film finished, we boarded our bicycles and raced up Alberta to a weird trip of our own: drinking, pool-playing and Sopranos-themed pinball at the Spare Room on 42nd Ave. We had never been to The Spare Room before and stood outside for a while, trying to figure out if the windownless bar was actually a strip club that happened to feature Tuesday night karaoke. Inside, the place was almost empty and reeked of cigarrettes and old carpet. A strip of pink neon ran around the edge of the lounge's low-ceiling, illuminating several thin and wrinkled people playing light-up slot machines. We took a small round table next to the dance floor, where two middle-aged women in tight jeans shook themselves to the live band - aging keyboard and guitar duo Larry and Teri.

I could try and describe what Larry and Teri sounded like, but the pair do it better themselves on their website:

"The dance-music duo Larry and Teri offer the most delightful variety of tunes, all first-class. Those who love to dance, or would like to learn, will find the duo just exactly right for dancing. Anyone who just wants to sit and enjoy listening will fit right in.

When Larry and Teri perform at the Spare Room, you will be amazed at how fast time flies when you are dancing and having fun. This is a case where one-plus-one is more than two."

Teri's voice accounts for seventy-five percent of the reason why we stuck around the Spare Room till it closed at 2am. Her voice, edged by years of singing in through other people's smoke, is heart-rending. Never have I heard such a sincerely sad version of Blue Moon. Teri gave us her business card at the end of the night. It's a red rose inscribed with "Larry and Teri" in gilt comic sans.

This morning we were all pretty tired, but managed to get up by 11 (except for Dan who's still not awake) to make burritos and sausage and say goodbye to my friend Jeff, who had to catch a bus back to Seattle after sleeping on our sofa all weekend.

"Stop back anytime," said Jill.
"Yeah, when in Rome," added Nate. There was a pause.
"When in Rome?" I said.
"Yeah," explained Nate seriously, "When you're in Rome, you stop by."

posted by s.mirk

Dude Ranch Summer Movie Night: Week Five

2008-07-28T23:10:00.000-07:00

This week we will be screening Spellbou nd at 9:00PM. It's Sarah's pick. There will be mojitos and a live spelling bee at 8:30PM. Come, fun!

Dan's Dad Sends Another Bug

2008-07-20T10:45:00.000-07:00

A life was lost this week at the Dude Ranch. Let us mourn.

The saga began when a second box arrived in the mail last week from Dan's dad in Idaho. The last box he mailed contained one live Jerusalem cricket and the box before that held a poisonous spider. Thus, Dan we coy about opening this parcel. He waited for days, biding his time until we could all watch him open it. Finally, late at night, most of the vast number of people who occupy our home and sofas at various times were on the back porch sofas, enjoying the summer evening with some conversation. The perfect time to open the dangerous box! Dan decided, seizing a knife and hunching over the cardboard container.

With much fanfare, he sliced open the packing tape. The box contained one dead beetle. In our fear, we had waited too long.

Dude Ranch Summer Movie Night: Week Three

2008-07-12T03:11:00.000-07:00

Freedom Moon Tribe Headlined Movie Night

2008-07-11T13:24:00.000-07:00

All you suckers who skipped Movie Night this week missed out BIG TIME. This week was our first to feature an opening musical act. Experimental space rock band Freedom Moon Tribe filled the backyard with three Casiotones + wore make up from Mars + strummed a warbley song from a saw with the aid of a violin bow. It was a unique and humbling experience.

Before the show, the band outlined the directions for how to play their 15-minute long song on a convenient cardboard box (read left ---> right). You can trying playing it yourself at home, but it won't be the same.

Dude Ranch Summer Movie Night: Week Two

2008-07-07T18:21:00.001-07:00

Come join us. This week we will be screening The Spirit of the Beehive at sunset (9:02 PM). There will also be a special pre-movie performance by the casiotone inspired band Freedom Moon Tribe!

HAPPY FUCKIN' BIRTHDAY AMERIKA!

2008-07-07T17:30:00.000-07:00

ha! here's a photo of Dan from Friday night:

2008-07-05T18:56:00.000-07:00

A short photo essay on the nature of a common relaxing conversation on the back porch.

- posted by Dan Sternof Beyer

The Dude Ranch Goes to a Pro-America Rodeo

2008-07-04T19:22:00.000-07:00

Today is the 4th of July - America's Independence Day. Since moving here from Iowa a month ago, I've been getting pretty caught up in the Portland lifestyle recently, discussing police brutality and gender by day, drinking wine on my roof by night. I was missing the Midwest a smidge, so I asked one of my co-workers, "I want to spend the 4th of July with people who LOVE AMERICA. Where can I find such people?" The only British guy in the office knew just where to go. "Saint Paul Oregon Annual Rodeo," he said, with finality. Away we went this morning.

Saint Paul is 40 miles or so south of Portland. Its population is only 300, but for one weekend of the year, it becomes a patriotic promised land where you can eat a log of curly fries larger than your head in the shade of a cheap carnival ferris wheel.

The stands are rife with large animals and the folks who ride them. Big bulls, big belt buckles. Copenhagen Smokeless Tobacco and the U.S. Army both had tents right next to a cotton candy stand and the bull pen.One of the carnival's featured artists was a man who carves bears, salmon, horses and eagles with a chainsaw. I asked him which fearsome creature was the hottest seller. "Everyone wants bears. It can even be an ugly bear. Anything resembling a bear will sell."

Next we snuck into the rodeo by using an ingenious ketchup/mustard mix to mimic the re-entry hand stamp.

And the rodeo began with flag-waving fanfare! Oregon's small army of Rodeo Princesses led a procession of horses around the rodeo grounds. Some carried American flags, others flags emblazoned with the logos of sponsors. The crowd was having a good time, cheering and clapping the rhinestoned women on. Finally, the national anthem and a welcoming announcement from the loudspeakers including the warning: "If we forget that we are one nation under God, then we will be one nation gone under."

One thing I didn't know about rodeos: they're scary. And violent. Out of its holding cage bucked a horse, kicking its legs front and back as the cowboy's head flew forward backward forward backward, smacking against the horse's body until he finally tumbled off. I was terrified. What a Portland liver-bellied city slicker I am. Even the Rodeo Princesses seemed calm and collected during the wildest of rides.

We couldn't handle it for long. After about an hour of intense ride watching, we retired to the Saint Paul Rodeo Bar - the Tack Room. Above my head was a bison head and an American flag reminding me, "Rodeo: America's Number 1 Sport."

The Dude Ranch Summer Movie Night

2008-06-30T13:47:00.000-07:00

Place: Our backyard, 5200 NE 35th Ave. (map)

Time: Wednesday, July 2nd @ sunset (9:03 PM)

This wednesday will be the inaugural Dude Ranch Summer Movie Night. The Movie Night is where we pick a film that we want to share with a bunch of people and then watch it in our backyard, eat pie, and drink beer. So come out, bring your own blanket or lawn seat. This weeks film is Dan's pick, The Mosquito Coast (See trailer here).

posted by d.cook

Cross-State Insect Shipment Arrives/Escapes

2008-06-30T12:36:00.000-07:00

Dan received a box in the mail this weekend. The return address was Idaho - his father. When I came home Saturday afternoon, the box was sitting on the kitchen counter and Dan was sitting on the kitchen sofa, avoiding opening the box.

"Come on! Openitopenit!" I whined, shaking the box. I never get boxes in the mail. Dan sighed.

"It's going to be full of poisonous bugs. My dad always sends me poisonous bugs in the mail," he said, morose. But he took the bread knife I handed him and slowly, carefully cut open the packaging tape.

Inside was a live monster cricket. The sides of the box were splattered with cricket shit and the cardboard reeked a little. "It's a Jerusalem cricket," Dan said, shaking his head and taking the critter outside, "My dad sent me a Jerusalem cricket." Dan then shared with us a few facts about the Jerusalem cricket:

+ they're apparently very hardy, having survived shaky, foodless 3-4 days in the hands of the U.S. postal service.
+ they populate Idaho en masse during the summer
+ they're cannibals, eating almost exclusively each other

This beast is now roaming Portland's NE streets! It disappeared from human view soon after we opened the box.

posted by s.mirk

a love poem

2008-06-21T11:26:00.001-07:00

Dan wrote a poem this morning. I thought I'd do him a favor and post it.

Love is like a rock thrown through a fog

weightless and dangerous

love climbs trees

too weak for its weight

love is all things

except here.

This made us so sad that we had to go out to lunch and make bow ties out of dollar bills.

yah!!! By the end of the weekend, everything was coming up roses.

not serious trouble, but something worth noting.

2008-06-18T20:24:00.000-07:00

someone slipped me (Nate) the password to the blog-site (I'm pretty sure thats a word that makes sense). Anyway, it seems kinda dangerous. just cuz, i don't know... now i have a supposed audience, and when i start thinking that people are into what im saying, i'll start saying a lot more, and thats how you lose friends.

also, Dan tried to be cool and do hacker shit with his computer that was just way over his head and he melted half the hard drive and now he is sitting on the couch sighing heavily to try and get my attention so he can complain about it more, but there is no way i am giving him that satisfaction.

word.

LASER FACE BLOG HAWK! (major-CAW!)

Bonecrusher

2008-06-15T12:54:00.000-07:00

The Dude Ranch has experienced some high and low times this week.

High Times: We were all standing around in the kitchen one night eating beet soup when a car pulled up into the driveway. Who should pile out but housemate-for-life Nate, returning unannounced from his Grand Tour of America. We made him camp out in the back yard because every couch was full of vegans and both the basement and his former room are occupied. Poor kid can never go home again.

Also this same week, the sun came out and we chased an ice cream truck down the street. I bought a creamsicle and they showed us how to work the ice cream music machine, which can play a mix of hits most notably including the Tetris song! I didn't think ice cream could get better, but it just did.

Low Times: David Cook and I were riding over the Burnside Bridge to Soul Night when he braked too hard and immediately flipped over the handlebars, right onto the asphalt as a wave of cars approached. Like a mustached tiger, he kung-fu rolled across the road, grabbed his bicycle and within a second was safely on the curb. What saved his life didn't save his bones, though.

Cole and Kevin waited with David in the emergency room for FOUR UNGODLY HOURS before he could get x-rays and a cast on his broken arm. Then they had to go to work and David had to spend a long day contemplating all the things he will be unable to do for six weeks or so. Weeding, bike riding, doing the dishes: all impossible tasks. We're looking for cripple tasks he can accomplish so he helped us make dinner by sadly crushing tortilla chips
with one hand.

"This is pathetic," he said. Then we all had a good laugh.

posted by s.mirk

Job Hunting

2008-06-11T12:25:00.000-07:00

Since 80% of the Dude Ranch is currently unemployed or hates their jobs, Cole's been holding Open Resume Workshops and giving some inspirational pep talks nightly from the kitchen sofa corner.

"Repeat after me!" he shouts, jovially, "YOU ARE A MONEY MAGNET!"

His most life-changing advice is "BE AGGRESSIVE! YOU ARE THE MOST QUALIFIED CANDIDATE FOR THAT JOB! what do you say? YOU ARE A MONEY MAGNET!"

David Cook and I both revised our resumes under his stern over-the-shoulder direction, so now we're pumped full of Arial Narrow right-centered resumes and ready to apply for some gainful barista and yard work employment opportunities.

"I'm a wildcat!"

posted by sarah

chess masters

2008-06-08T19:59:00.000-07:00

The sun was shining today so Cole and Dan sat on the back lawn playing chess and looking smart.

Dan won. He described his winning strategy as: "I moved my pieces really fast and sometimes I take two moves at the same time. Especially with the pawns. I incorporate things like enpassett and I move the queen like a horse."

posted by: s.mirk

today we make a pancake cake

2008-06-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

David Cook sleeps in our basement now and washes our dishes. His friend Ian came up with a brilliant idea eons ago. "We should make a CAKE out of PANCAKES!" he said on Friday night, when we were downtown eating milkshakes and french fries at the Stepping Stone.

So today we woke up early (11?) and while Cole futzed through some Bach fugues, David and I (Ian was late) whipped together blueberries, mango, butter, flour, sugar and oil and things. We cooked the pancakes in our big cast iron frying pan - each pancake as large as a the pan! The frosting took some experimentation. We tried corn starch + maple syrup and flour + maple syrup but both were too starchy. Then! A stroke of genius! cream cheese + maple syrup and away we went.

We wound up having to flip the fat pan-sized cakes with our bare hands and piled them five high. Frosting, decoration with blueberries and a giant knife later, we were in the back yard, cutting in. "How's it taste?" Ian asked David as he ate the first bite. "Like pancakes," David replied happily. "Oh!" exclaimed Ian enthusiastically, "That's exactly how I imagined they would!"

photos:

posted by s.mirk